Love Them

We all like to love, when others love us. It feels good and fills us with a sense of value and security. But how do we respond to hurt gnaws at our heart. When the pain of rejection is likened to drowning in icy cold waters, you feel so weak that you are unable to will your lungs to breathe, let alone love.

When your heart is so shattered that you wonder how you will ever survive the waves of grief that buckle your knees and cause you to fall on your face in sorrowful sobs. How then do you love the person who caused your pain?

In the midst of overwhelming pain Jesus spoke into my darkest hour and gently whispered these words. "Love them".

In and of myself, I couldn't even love myself let alone those who had hurt me so deeply. Yet I knew that Jesus had forgiven me so I needed to find a way to not only forgive but love those who hated me, bless those who curse me and pray for those who crushed me.

On my knees, with tears burning down my face once again, I surrendered. I asked God how I could love. In my heart of hearts I knew the answer was simple. As they slandered me I would honor them. As they stole from me I would give freely in return. As they shattered my heart I would pray that God would restore their hidden brokeness. As they rejected me I would I would love them all the more for the incredible gift they had unknowingly  given me. They gave me the previous opportunity to experience what God experiences continually, the ability to love a lost and broken world knowing you may not ever be loved in return.

Stand on the battle lines, dont cower in fear.

I stand in awe of God's patience and endurance with us.
He calls us sheep and I fit the description perfectly, I am often as thick as a sheep, stubborn and I need a shepherd who sometimes breaks my legs just to teach me dependence and trust.

My life has been filled with all sorts of trauma and it has most definitely taken a toll but God didn't want it just to take a toll. He wanted to make me into a warrior of truth. He never wanted me to be a mess of brokenness.
A few months ago I entered a new season of my life. It came with great pain and sorrow. I experienced emotional trauma once again and It crushed me. I saw my life falling apart at the hands of another and I felt powerless to even defend myself let alone cope so I retreated into despair.

God has started working on my heart six weeks before the heartache hit. He began showing me how deep his love it is for me.
I know as a believer that I am loved. its a fact, but coming from a childhood of severe abuse and rejection, into a marriage that ended in death threats left me feeling unlovable and worthless. Its always been near impossible for me to imagine anyone truly loving me let along the God of the universe.

God, through a series of little miraculous events, broke through my heart in April. The lies of the enemy were broken off of me so that I could really feel and accept God's love. He did this in preparation for the next storm that was only weeks away. He knew it was one that would take me to my breaking point. He knew that if he didn't show me his love I probably wouldn't have made it through this storm at all, but here I am, walking it out.

I am not strong. Some people have thought that I am but I am not. I am nothing in and of myself. I depend on God daily for everything knowing that in and of myself I am just a broken girl who has a long ways to go.

But God wanted even this season of heartache to become something of good and healing. The pain is still there, the rejection and the hurt are still there but In the midst of the heartache he is doing a new thing in me. He is breaking off beliefs that I have carried for a lifetime.

This week he taught me that a warrior does not sit still and get beaten, they listen for the Generals orders and know when to retreat and when to fight.

I imagine myself curled up in a ball on the battlefield with my hands protecting my head but that is not what God wants. You see I am not in this battle alone. I am a woman of God. I lay down my own agenda daily and walk in daily repentance before God. I seek God with my whole heart and am His Daughter and his warrior.

Today, it is as if he has taken my hand and lifted me from the scared position on the front lines and told me, " Stand child, you are not alone. My warriors surround you and I will fight for you and with you. Stand on truth. Stand on my word and you will not be defeated."

All my life I have allowed people to say who I am. The enemy would like to keep that going and make declarations over me that are no true. Satan is the father of lies but My God defeats those lies.

What is true is that I am a child of God. I am so very loved more than my heart can fathom. I am enraptured by that love. It transforms me and as it penetrates deeply into my core it shakes off shackles. I am a woman of integrity with a heart to serve. He has made me a woman of many gifts that he wants to use for his Glory. Even though the enemy has done everything he can to ensure that I am pulled away from
God's purposes for me, he will not succeed overall because God is so much bigger than all the enemy's schemes. He will place me where he wants me to serve and I will do so faithfully, as I have over the years.

Whatever the future holds, I will not fear because My God is faithful. He will hold me in the storm and heals my brokenness. He will be my strength when I have none. He is my fortress and my strength. He sends his angels to surround me. Only last week someone saw angels, taller than phone poles standing guard over me, in front of a battle line of the enemy who had orders to destroy me. God won't let me be destroyed.

I STAND today, put on the full armor of God. I listen to the voice of my General. I may have battle wounds that still bleed and hurt but I am not destroyed. I will do what my General orders and I will survive this battle and many more to come.
"I am not longer a slave to fear, I AM A CHILD of God"

My Refuge

I praise the Lord, Yahweh for He is my refuge, my very present help in times of trouble. 

I am but a breath passing by, a handful of dust that will one day return to dust, yet he looks down upon me with his everlasting love and restores my soul.

My enemies surround me. They speak vicious lies about me and condemn me. They conspire to devour me and destroy all that you have called me to do. 

I weep before you O Lord and you hear my cries.  My heart has been shattered beneath the weight of the words spoken against me, but you O Lord declare my worth. You declare my righteousness, which is yours alone.

Though I stumble and lose hope and my faith has faltered, you lift me up from the darkest places and you set my feet upon a rock. The leviathan rages about beneath me but cannot reach me. You have set my feet on high places. And as I wither and faint you carry me.

Satan has sent his legions against me. They march toward me and encamp around me. Their bloodthirsty lust is held at bay. You oh Lord cover me in the shelter of your wings.  They cannot come near me. They are silenced.  You place a dome of your wings over me, protecting me so that no evil can harm me.

You hear my tears and listen to my heart. You lift my spirit and embrace me as a father would, his beloved child.  I am yours wholly, surrendered and devoted. 

I bless those who curse me, I choose to love those who rage against me. I lift up those who have been deceived and praise you Oh Lord, Yahweh my redeemer, my God, the lifter of my head. 

Yahweh is God alone. Blessed be your name. 

Isaiah 54:17  No weapon formed against you shall prosper, And every tongue which rises against you in judgment You shall condemn. This is the heritage of the servants of the Lord, And their righteousness is from Me,” Says the Lord.

Safety of Abiding in the Presence of God Psalm 91

He who dwells in the secret place of the Most High
Shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty.
2 I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress;
My God, in Him I will trust.”

3 Surely He shall deliver you from the snare of the [a]fowler
And from the perilous pestilence.
4 He shall cover you with His feathers,
And under His wings you shall take refuge;
His truth shall be your shield and [b]buckler.
5 You shall not be afraid of the terror by night,
Nor of the arrow that flies by day,
6 Nor of the pestilence that walks in darkness,
Nor of the destruction that lays waste at noonday.

7 A thousand may fall at your side,
And ten thousand at your right hand;
But it shall not come near you.
8 Only with your eyes shall you look,
And see the reward of the wicked.

9 Because you have made the Lord, who is my refuge,
Even the Most High, your dwelling place,
10 No evil shall befall you,
Nor shall any plague come near your dwelling;
11 For He shall give His angels charge over you,
To keep you in all your ways.
12 In their hands they shall [c]bear you up,
Lest you [d]dash your foot against a stone.
13 You shall tread upon the lion and the cobra,
The young lion and the serpent you shall trample underfoot.

14 “Because he has set his love upon Me, therefore I will deliver him;
I will [e]set him on high, because he has known My name.
15 He shall call upon Me, and I will answer him;
I will be with him in trouble;
I will deliver him and honor him.
16 With [f]long life I will satisfy him,
And show him My salvation.”