My closest friends and confidants were speaking into my life, affirming me but I decided that no one could be trusted. I had experienced so much hurt and betrayal, I built a wall around my heart. I chose to believe they would all eventually change their tune. I decided that no one could be trusted. Even the most sincere words of my husband were met with disbelief and silent cynicism. My thoughts towards myself were those of hatred and self-loathing. While I resented the people in my life who had treated me like trash, the truth was I hated myself far more than they ever could.
Week after week in therapy I shared my biggest failures and shortcomings. I shared things like; how I failed to choose spot abusers until it was too late, how I failed to protect my children from the abuse their father doled out, how deeply flawed my thinking and reasoning were. A part of me thought I would shock my therapist and one day she would agree with my self-loathing and it would show on her face, or she'd say something. But no matter how hard I tried to express all the reasons I felt so worthless the message I heard back from her contradicted my world view.
When I argued that I'm a failure, she adamantly insisted that I am strong, resilient and courageous. I wrestled with every word, not willing to own it just in case it wasn't true. But my husband began speaking those same words over me telling me that I am those things. Then I heard my closest friends echoing the same sentiments.
My world view began to morph yet I still held tightly to the belief that I am truly a failure. Despite my resilience, I am still worthless. I'd look in the mirror and feel contempt and hatred. I couldn't explain why it was there other than reasoning two major beliefs.
1. "Nothing I could be or do would ever be worth anything". This belief tainted everything I did. It was like a noose around my neck. I believed it regarding my marriage, my relationships, and even my gifts. When I painted a picture, it echoed endlessly through my mind. As I sang I felt like hiding out of shame. It's not that I needed to be perfect or amazing. I just needed to accept me. No part of my world was untainted by this core belief.
2. "You are not worth anything, you are nothing!". I backed this up with every cruel thing done to me. If I wasn't worthless then they wouldn't have treated me like trash. They, being every person who used me, defiled me or declared me worthless. In less than a minute, I can recall dozens of examples to back up this core belief. But the most dominant are memories of my ex-husband in a rage saying, "You ARE nothing you F#### B###!" I believed him.
The problem was that I was learning the truth through therapy that didn't align with this. I learned that abusers will abuse others because of who they are, not who I am. Again another thread was being pulled in my tightly woven belief system.
I heard my therapist call me a success one day and I silently had a cow! Nothing added up. Here I am broken, on the edge of poverty, with a lifetime of regrets related to every abuse I faced. So I determined that it was a statement to throw away. It can't be true because it doesn't line up with my two core beliefs. Yet deep inside it gnawed at me like a hunger that couldn't be satiated. Day after day I asked myself who am I.
Then another thread was pulled. I talked to my therapist about sexuality and the relentless traumatic flashbacks backs that plagued the most precious moments of intimacy. I made a comment about myself, expressing intense self-loathing towards my body from head to toe as I pointed at myself calling myself "this!". As I did so I felt nothing but repulsed, by my own flesh. She flashed a warm smile, and responded by boldly suggesting I was gorgeous, despite my weight, despite what I believed.
I just shook my head in confusion, baffled by the very suggestion that I was anything but gross. Again my self-perceptions were being rattled and I couldn't comprehend what she was saying let alone believe it. Her words didn't make any sense. "I'm the girl who is ugly and gross", I told myself.
On the home front, that belief was being challenged even further. I'd asked my husband to start telling me when he desired me and to assert himself. Knowing how horribly I'd been abused he handled me with extreme care. But, now suddenly he was expressing his thoughts towards me. They weren't thoughts of repulsion but those of attraction and desire. I wish I could say that his affirmation broke through the cords that were still straggling me but I rationalized. Men say things to women when they want sex. So I'm not beautiful or pretty. I'm just the woman he's settled for. It was nice to feel desired but that wasn't enough to unravel me.
The next week in therapy, I was given a homework assignment that felt overwhelming and frustrating. She asked me to use art to depict the true me. Not who I wish I was, or how I wish I looked. It was supposed to depict me as Victor, a princess warrior of sorts.
A vicious war began to rage inside me. I was angry because I hated me and why would I want to put something so ugly on canvas! Moreover, I firmly believed that I couldn't do it, that I simply didn't have the skills to create anything accurately. How could I depict myself when I didn't even know who I was or what I looked like. Every time I looked in a mirror I saw something different, was I the worthless daughter, was I nothing, like my ex-husband drilled into my head? Was I the sum of all my failures? Was I too broken to amount to anything. Maybe I was all of the above. Every time, I tried to put an image on paper it was ugly, deformed and skewed.
So I drew others to prove to myself that I just couldn't depict anyone accurately, that I wasn't capable of completing this assignment. Ironically, I chose to depict the people who speak positively about me. Exasperated I gave up, feeling that I had made my point. I wasn't capable.
Then a close friend sent me a random text. Saying "you are really beautiful, like the real deal." Inside and out." She had no clue the thin ice her words pushed me out on. Once again I shook my head in confusion and thought, what is she thinking. Why would she say that? I didn't want to trust and get hurt.
Then I sat down with my therapist to discuss the struggle I was having with the assignment. She challenged everything I believed about myself. I saw myself as ugly. A puffy-faced person with a giant nose and small eyes and thin lips, an ugly smile and a man's cleft chin. She suggested I had deeply ingrained with false beliefs. It was true, I kept thinking, why would I be called ugly by family members unless there was truth to it. I shared a few of the memories that backed up my belief system but she firmly insisted that there was nothing wrong really wrong with me. To me, it was as far fetched as being told that I was a pink elephant with green polka dots. Yet a part of me knew she wasn't messing with my heart. Every ounce of me wanted to reject what she had to say, and not trust. I mustered up the courage to challenger her as I tearfully asked her if she was telling me the truth. It was a moment of truth that hit me in a profound way. She looked me in the eye and assured me that she was speaking the truth. She reiterated that the beliefs needed to come from inside me, rather than from others. I was dumbfounded by how she described me. It was like she was talking about someone else. I was shocked that she didn't see what I saw.
I came home and was quiet for the next few hours, trying to make sense of everything. I tried to draw the homework portrait of myself but couldn't capture the truth. Then I had an epiphany that changed everything. What if, I chose to reject every cruel and hurtful word spoken by people who didn't love me, and instead chose to trust the four people who I have let see me for who I am, one of those being my therapist.
I thought, if I can let my heart trust them completely for just one hour, who would they say I am? What would they say I look like? I thought about every word my therapist said which all aligned with things my husband and friends echoed. The picture I saw was strikingly different from my own beliefs.
I was surprised by my own admission of not trusting even those closest to me. I had convinced myself that I was trusting because I had shared some details of my past. Instead, I had clung adamantly to the words of those who had abused me. At that moment I replayed the look in my therapist's eyes as I asked her if she was telling me the truth. It was a look of deep sincerity. She had never toyed my emotions or intentionally hurt me. Like a tidal wave washing over me, I felt such peace as I chose to believe her, believe my friends, believe my husband. At that moment the walls I had so carefully built around my heart, came crashing down.
I suddenly wondered, I believed a lie about my appearance then what else was I believing that wasn't true. I sat with a sketchpad in my hand and recalled of all the times in the recent weeks I'd told myself that I'm not capable of depicting myself, or anyone else. That I'm a horrible artist. I remembered my therapist asking me if I am always so critical if my art. The answer was a strong yes. I am that critical of everything I do!
My husband seemed to sense what I was thinking and affirmed me saying, "You can do anything you put your mind to, you always do." I CHOSE to believe him, to own it as truth.
I began painting a self-portrait that resembled every word of affirmation my therapist has mentioned in the session. I depicted myself as light in the darkness, shining, sparkling, overcoming. Five hours later I went to bed seeing myself in a whole new light. It was as if each paint stroke unraveled each and every lie I'd held onto. I went to bed thanking God for the way he designed my eyes to sparkle when I talk, for straight teeth and an inner light that shines through me.
But it wasn't just my view of my appearance that had changed. It was my sense of self-worth. Rejecting abusers words meant that I am not, "nothing or worthless". Those closest to me tell me I have a beautiful heart. I decided to claim each affirmation as my own. I am strong, capable, resilient and courageous. Deep down I know that despite my many many flaws I am a person of value. Today
is a new day. Today I am choosing to trust those who have proven themselves to be trustworthy. Today I made a conscious choice to accept myself as a valuable person with a kind heart. Today I looked in the mirror and didn't cringe. Today I finished the painting that depicts me as light overcoming the darkness. It depicts the strength of a warrior and the value of a princess. The daughter of the King of Kings. Today is the beginning...
