In this upside down world, we can not depend on tomorrow as if it will give us what we want. We don't know the circumstances that will change our lives forever. In a moment everything can change. I look back at the past year and realize that I had no clue how dramatically my life would change through a single phone call.
In an instant we can lose a loved one, we can lose our job, our home, our family our friends, our support systems. Nothing is for certain and no one is guaranteed to be in our lives. So how do we hope for a tomorrow knowing full well that the tomorrow of our dreams is probably not the tomorrow we will live.
Now, I am not trying to be a pessimist, just a realist. I need to choose each day to embrace what is, and hold it loosely because it could be gone in a heartbeat. So maybe I have experienced a lot of loss in my life and that is where this is coming from. Maybe I am grieving losses even today. In the midst of that grief reality sets in. We don't know tomorrow. Today is all we have, no this moment is all we have.
I can't depend on other people to make my life beautiful. I need to take full ownership of every part of my life. If I am waiting for someone else to fulfill me, then I am setting myself up for disappointment every time.
I learned this lesson recently in a small way. Someone began filling a need of mine that I didn't even realize I had. Then she told me that circumstances have changed for her and I won't have her around. I realized that If I never let her fill that need I wouldn't be so broken over the change. The void she filled in my life suddenly feels like a gaping hole. I wish I never let my heart be filled by another so I wouldn't have to feel that void.
OK, so maybe that is extreme. I can't just shut people out of my heart to avoid getting hurt but I don't want to hurt. So I need to decide to fill my own needs as best as possible. I need to be independent of others because life doesn't guarantee others will be there.
I remember when I was 20 and saying my wedding vows. I promised til death do us part. Within a year of getting married the violence and abuse started. I stuck around for ten years and pretended it was OK when it was not. Then I fled for my life, with threats of murder ringing in my ears. It wasn't just a domestic violence situation it was a marriage where I gave my heart believing in the future. I loved this man deeply and he took my heart and shattered it until I no longer recognized myself. After leaving that marriage and divorcing I realized that I really couldn't promise forever to anyone. I mean how could I predict the future?
Now I am remarried to a wonderful man who treasures me. When its time to give cards at valentines or birthdays I read the cards and see words like forever and always, and my heart cringes. I would like to think that our ten wonderful years of marriage will turn into a forever but nothing is forever. I don't know if something will happen and for that reason, I can never make a promise about the future with integrity.
All I know is this moment. I can choose what I do with each passing second. I can choose who to love and how much of myself I give. I can choose what to do with my time, my gifts and my talents. I can choose to wait for a happier tomorrow or I can embrace the reality of today and accept the fact that tomorrows are never guaranteed. I alone own the choices that make my life what it will be. My happiness can not depend on others, on things, on support systems on my family, on friends, on finances on jobs, or skills or any external factor. My life is mine to own, to embrace and to walk through.
It sounds depressing but its the truth. We have to own our own happiness. We need to own our own future, and choose what we want to do with this life. I have a long ways to go, but one step is to take ownership of today.
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