In life, there are so many things that can hold us hostage. One of those things can be other people's expectations. While healthy expectations that are shared and mutually agreed upon can motivate and help us move forward, our world is filled with unhealthy expectations. Growing up many of us had expectations of hiding our emotions, hiding pain, hiding sin, and always looking happy and cheerful. I was reminded of that this morning when I sat in church.
I saw a sweet little girl swinging her legs freely from the pew. I remembered being seven or eight and having my short legs swing from a pew. I didn't know that at that moment I was breaking an expectation. My actions were innocent and subconscious. But my mother saw the movement out of the corner of her eye. I had failed to meet her expectation of sitting perfectly still in church. Before I could even begin to understand what was going on, I was being dragged out of the church by my ear, visible to everyone. I was taken into the bathroom and beaten for not being perfectly still.
As I think back on the event from the eyes of an adult, I know that something is very wrong with that situation, but as a child, I saw only shame. I believed I would never measure up because even when I was trying super hard to be perfect, I’d fail to meet the unspoken, unrealistic expectations that were placed on me.
The sad part of it is that I recreated the environment of unrealistic expectations for myself as I grew older. Instead of being able to accept the fact that I am deeply flawed, I hid the fact that I am deeply flawed so that I could meet others' expectations.
I learned through unhealthy patterns passed on to me, that talking about how you honestly are, how you honestly feel, and what you have honestly experienced, are grounds for rejection. I learned to fear rejection and bow to it. What do I mean by that? I mean, when you alter your actions or hide your true authentic self in order to avoid rejection, then you in fact are bowing to fear of rejection.
Breaking free from false shame placed on me has been a lifetime challenge, one that I have not fully mastered. I find that since I was taught to never tell of the shameful things, I feel shame for the things that were done to me. It's crazy when you think of it. I am a completely separate person or the individuals who have done awful things, yet I feel shame for their crimes. I feel shame for the abuse that was perpetrated against me. I feel shame for being rejected by those I stood up to and said NO. I've felt shame for refusing to allow them to continue harming me. Why feel shame for that? Well, because I know that by saying NO to abuse, I am not meeting an expectation placed on me by others and I am subjecting myself to rejection as a consequence of my boundaries.
Obviously, that is not healthy. I shouldn't feel shame for the sins of others. I was taught to accept the shame of others at a young age. I was told it was my fault that pedophiles in my family had harmed me. I was told it was my fault that my father’s rage was out of control. If I was struck out of rage, it was my fault for being in the way. Abusers project their shame onto those who they harm. So, having experienced years of every kind of abuse, it's no wonder I pick up false shame, it is common to those who have been abused, whether physical, emotional, sexual, or spiritual abuse. The same tactics and patterns are passed on. But the abuse is in my past and the shame is in my present and that is what we need to address daily. In order to be healthy, I need to stop those beliefs.
I wish I could say, that I feel like I have broken free, once I said No to abuse, No to trauma, no to sin. But breaking free is more of a process. It starts by me separating myself from the abusers. I am not the person who beat me, or raped me, or terrorized me. I am the person who said No. Secondly I have to remind myself that authenticity is not shameful. If I tell my story it may help others. Keeping sin hidden hurts both the perpetrator and their victim.
Every abuser will silence you, and threaten you to never tell a soul. I have been threatened, unto death. Even my own mother said I should be stoned to death for “going to counseling and telling someone what happened to me.” Her expectations of me are not healthy and not right.
For those of us who lived in systemic abuse over the course of many years, breaking free from shame will be a long-term daily process. Daily we will need to cry out to God and say, I'm broken, I feel so worthless but I know in you I am redeemed and valuable. I am forgiven and NOT rejected, rather I am called a child of the most high. Breaking free is a daily act of rejecting false shame, toxic expectations, and patterns we have learned, and replacing them daily with healthy expectations, sonship, and authenticity before God, before others, and before oneself.
Yep, We can lie to ourselves, and those lies permeate deeply into every part of our self. We may feel worthless, I know I often do, but if we tell ourselves we are worthless, that lie takes root. So to break free we need to speak life into our own hearts. The truth is yes I am deeply flawed, I have some deep wounds that may take a lifetime to heal but I am worth Jesus’ life. Yep, that’s what he thought when he died for me so it must be true. I don't have to feel worthy to speak the truth. To break free I need to cling to what is true, past, present, and future. The only way I can do that is by leaning on God, crying my heart out, being real with where I am, and taking one step forward at a time to move past the lies and into truth. That is breaking free.
