Trust

Trust, what is trust really.  Is it a guarantee, a contract, a feeling?  When people have betrayed you a thousand times over, then the idea of trust becomes more vague. Trust becomes like the wind, you feel it at times but when it disappears you are left with a deadness in its place.

Some people should never be trusted.  I have learned through painful events, not trust. If  I base my future on my broken childhood I would never trust again.  My parents broke my trust by harming me and not protecting me from life-changing harm. The adults in my life stole my innocence for their own selfish satisfaction. So I choose to never trust those individuals again.

But can I trust someone new.  After an abusive marriage, I chose to trust another man and that was a wise choice. But I didn't just trust for the sake of trusting.  I trusted he would be faithful because I saw him being faithful with his sick cats, caring for them when others would have put them down. I saw him being faithful with his responsibilities and with his lifestyle.  I saw evidence that he was in fact trustworthy.

I am trying to grapple with a deep betrayal that has caused life-changing damage. My trust has been so shattered that I became afraid to trust anyone at all. I have called into question whether my closest friends are even trustworthy.

Yet in the midst of pain and heartache, I am going to choose to trust God. I may lose everything but I will never lose his love.  Others may destroy my life, my career, my reputation and my future but they can not separate me from God's love. I can trust Him even when my world is crumbling at my feet. i can trust that he will be with me and help me through this painful season. I can trust that he will restore the parts of my heart that are shattered and use this pain for His glory.  I can trust that he will provide. I will be ok eventually.

Who I am

I stand at a crossroads in life, knowing that the future I imagined is no longer there for me.  My dreams have been shattered. The course of my life is about to take off in a new direction. But what direction do I go? I  don't know where to begin, how to start over or where I am supposed to be.

Like each human in this universe, I have a unique grouping of skills and giftings that could be put to use to benefit others, but I need to find the others who are meant to be in my life.

My sweet husband is walking this journey with me and assuring me that all the pieces of my broken life will fall into place when they are meant to. It's hard to believe. It's hard to let go of what was. It's hard to walk into the world of the unknown and figure out once again who I am.

A big part of who I have been had been based on what I do for a living, but now that season has come to a close. I loved being that person, but I in that role I was perpetually mistreated by others. I am stepping away to preserve what little bit of self is left inside of me, and to live a life with boundaries that say no to being trampled and destroyed.

I don't know where to go, I feel lost and mostly alone.  I know I have some good friends and a loving family. I have a God who loves me more than I can conceive. Yet I don't know where our finances will come from. I don't know how we will manage.  I don't know what I will be doing with the rest of my life.  I only know that I am here, now in this in-between place waiting for revelation.