Tears from a battered heart

Echoing in the deepest, parts of my heart I hear their words as they cut and slice at my very person, stripping off chunks of flesh as they go.  I try to cling to the truth of who I am, yet their words strangle me like a cord around my neck. I try to close my eyes but with my eyes closed I see the cold looks in their eye as they berate me again and again, causing me to wonder if I am really of value at all, causing me to second guess everything I think, I believe I am.

Emotional abuse and character assassination work hand in hand like a gun and bullet bringing untold destruction. The trauma I've lived has left my world like a dark barren wasteland where there was once life, and joy and laughter.

This cavern of despair is so deep and far and wide that I can not climb out on my own.  I pray for a lifeline. I pray that those who have raped my heart, again and again, will be so deeply convicted that they won't be able to sleep until they have repented.

I pray that healing will come, that the sky will one day be blue again, and that I will find hope once more. That the shattered ruins of my life will count for something.

 I know that despite the incredible pain I feel I am not alone. I have a loving heavenly father. I know he weeps alongside me. I have a loving husband, who mourns with me and prays that my shattered heart will heal.

Psalm 56:8  (NLT)

You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.

Wings of Justice

The rubble of a fallen world crashed around me, crushing my heart. My lungs feel strangled at each weary breath as I cling to the faint hope that the wings of justice will still prevail. 

The tyranny rages about me in its familiar way, destroying truth, gnashing at those who are innocent and tearing apart anything that was once sacred. The stench of death keep wafting eerily past my nose but is washed away by the endless flow of tears that burn down my face. 

I cry out to God in utter brokenness, pleading that those who follow orders of the enemy and oppress the righteous will have their eyes opened. I pray they will realize the cost of their oppression. I pray that they will repent and turn their malicious glare away. 

In my heart, I know that with every breath I must forgive so that I do not become the bitterness that has enveloped my enemies. I silently plead for God to give me the strength to forgive, yet in my heart of hearts I also cry out for justice.  

Proverbs 21:15. When justice is done, it is a joy to the righteous but terror to evildoers. 

King David prayed this, " Do not let those gloat over me who are my enemies without cause; do not let those who hate me without reason maliciously wink the eye. They do not speak peaceably but devise false accusations against those who live quietly in the land. They sneer at me and say, “Aha! Aha! With our own eyes, we have seen it.” Lord, you have seen this; do not be silent.      Do not be far from me, Lord. Awake, and rise to my defense!  Contend for me, my God and Lord.  Vindicate me in your righteousness, Lord my God;  o not let them gloat over me.  Do not let them think, “Aha, just what we wanted!” or say, “We have swallowed him up.”  May all who gloat over my distress be put to shame and confusion; may all who exalt themselves over me be clothed with shame and disgrace. May those who delight in my vindication shout for joy and gladness; may they always say, “The Lord be exalted, who delights in the well-being of his servant.”

Even as my heart labors to beat, for all the pain that weighs down on it, I declare that my God is greater than all the forces of the enemy. I will praise him until the last breath leaves my broken body.  And even then I will praise him more. I know that the day of Justice nears for all. I may not see justice take place while I live and breathe on earth but I know that every evil will be brought to light. When I stand there amongst those who persecute me then I pray that I will have also forgiven, despite my desire for justice so that I can also be forgiven for all I have done in this life. 

In the meantime, I pray that the crushing weight of debris around me is lifted off my chest so that I can breathe again. I pray that my silent cries are heard and that I will see peace once more. 

The Winds of Change

Change, it is one of the tumultuous things in life that we fear as it forces our lives to wind down unknown paths. When looking at the possibility of change that we didn't anticipate our hearts race, our tears flow, and minds swirl with anxiety. It may feel like we are swept up into the heart of a tornado for a while and whisked off to who knows where. Yet, eventually, we land. We dust off our feet and slowly look around to gain our bearings and before long we realize, we survived. The dark swirling chasm of change can cause us to temporarily lose our bearings. We suddenly may not be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel or envision ever escaping the torment of the present moment, but a change like a tornado disappears just as quickly as it showed up. No one is caught in its grasp of uncertainty forever.

Change is also like the spring rains that bring the lush cascading flowers to my garden. It makes the dry dead grass of winter turn into soft carpets of sweet smelling grass. Change brings life, vitality, and newness that we could not have anticipated.

It may seem scary at the moment but chances are good....

The Power of Love

Looking into the eyes of the almost two-year-old me, I see such pain. She was rejected by her own parents, abused in ways that leave permanent marks on a little girl’s soul. I spent so many years wondering why this baby girl was considered a disposable worthless nothing, used to wipe up man’s shame.

I will never be able to understand the cruelty that led to such pain but there is one thing I have come to understand clearly. NO matter who defiled her, who beat her, who abandoned her, or what horrific things were done to this precious child, she was LOVED by God. He redeemed her from the brokenness and shame. He spends her lifetime, washing over her with grace and mercy, forgiving her for her many suicidal attempts, forgiving her for the times when the pain was so deeps she thought forgiveness would be impossible, forgiving her for agreeing with the enemy in thinking she deserved to be beaten, molested, rejected and destroyed.

He sings songs of grace over her and they ring through her heart like a healing melody that leaves the painful scars so far behind that at times they feel like a distant memory. He is the Healer, the Great I am. Many people think that a person can never be whole if they experienced more than a decade and a half of sexual assault, physical abuse, emotional and mental cruelty before marrying a man who nearly cost her and her children’s their own lives due to the horrific abuse and torment.

After 32 years in total of abuse, I didn't think I could live another day and never dreamed there would be a day when I could feel whole, feel loved, feel secure and be able to walk with others through their own healing journey. But....... I was wrong. God heals the parts that we think are unhealable. God restores in ways we never imagined. . If we are willing to let him into the parts of our brokenness that are the most painful, he will transform those ugly wounds into something beautiful.... I encourage you to try it... because His Love is powerful. I am redeemed. Thank you, God!

A Love That Shaped My Heart

It only takes one person to change a life. From my earliest memory, I recall the love of one person, which transformed my heart forever. I have beautiful memories of one person who loved me like no other.

My Nana was a constant in my life. As a toddler, I spent endless hours in her home. She would place me on the counter and teach me how to bake. She brought me into every part of her world. She taught the most important fundamentals of life, starting at an early age.

When I was four, she taught me about God, and that He loved me. I understood that love, only because my Nana loved me unconditionally. It didn't matter whether other’s loved me, she deemed me worthy of her endless love. Whether others felt I was second best, My Nana never held me up to a measuring stick. I was simply loved.

She was a servant at heart. She spent each day walking a long way to get to our house, to help my mother with housework, then she’d walk the very long walk home. She never complained, she simply served.

There was no task beneath her because she esteemed others above herself. When I became deathly ill with Salmonella poisoning, I was unconscious for three days in her care, and she nursed me, cared for me, and love me back to health. She was like a mother to me, in the most beautiful sense.

Not a day went by that she hasn't known what was going on in my life. She cared about every detail, tucking it into her heart and praying faithfully over it. She has been my personal intercessor. My prayer warrior and mentor.

In all my years, there is no other person who has made such a profound impact on my life. I thank God for my Nana, Jean D. Ronnlund

Walking through Fire

No one likes pain. It is hard to face. I would like life to go smoothly. A part of me 

wishes that, when we serve God with our whole heart, seeking to honor him with 

every part of our lives, that thing will go smoothly. That is not reality, the reality is

 that when we serve God, we will be attacked, maligned, falsely accused, discouraged

 and mistreated. I was praying about it this morning and this revelation came to me.

 God never promised that there would never be trouble. He never promised to remove the

fire!

When Isaiah prophesied over King Hezekiah he said “ When you pass through the

 waters,  I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; 

when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume

you” God knew Hezekiah would stand in the heat of the fire of Molech watching his 

brother be thrown into the fire, while his life was spared for God’s purposes. God never

 chose to spare him that traumatic experience, rather he let King Hezekiah feel the heat 

and experience the sheer terror of the threat on his life, not once but twice by fire!

So who am I to question God! I do not have that right! I surrendered that when I chose to

take up my cross and follow Him. If he chooses for me to walk through fire, I will 

walk with praise on my lips. We are assured that God searches the hearts and of men. 

He knows my heart! He will ensure that “all things work together for the Good of those 

who love the God and are called according to His purposes”. Therefore, as a woman, 

who loves God wholeheartedly, and a person whom He clearly called, I can trust that 

He will use the pain and mess the enemy brings, for his purposes.  

In Romans 33 it says “Who shall bring any charge against God’s elect when it is God who 

justifies that is, who puts us in right relation to Himself? Who shall come forward and accuse or

impeach those whom God has chosen? Will God who acquits us? Who is there to condemn

 us? Will Christ the Messiah who died or rather who was raised from the dead, who is at the 

right hand of God actually pleading as he intercedes for us? Who can separate us from Christ’s

 love? Shall suffering and affliction and tribulation? or Calamity and distress? Or persecution 

or hunger or destitution or peril or sword? Even as it is written, For Thy Sake we are put to

 death all day long; we are regarded and counted as sheep to the slaughter.

Yet amid all these things we are more than conquerors and gain a surpassing victory through 

Him who loved us. For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities

 nor things impending and threatening nor things to come, nor powers nor height nor depth nor

 anything else in all of creation will be able to separate us from the Love of God which is in 

Christ Jesus." Romans 8:33-39

I take a few things away from this. Firstly, I am already forgiven for any sin through Christ, 

so for all the ways I do fail, God himself gives me forgiveness in Him.  Secondly, AMID 

all these things, suggests that we do suffer many trials. I am not alone in having suffered 

many things. Thirdly, Christ provides victory through Himself and his incredible love for me!

Throughout the pages of scripture, I read of one person after the other who loved God 

wholeheartedly but was attacked, falsely accused, berated and trampled, but they all chose

 to walk through the pain, and focus on their goal, to honor God. Even though people accuse us,

 Paul in the book of Romans assures us that it's of no consequence because nothing can 

separate us from God!

The only judge that matters is the Lord. He knows my heart better than anyone. He sees my

 desire to not only love and serve him but to love others. Every day I yearn to show other’s 

love and encouragement in every way I can. But even so, I am persecuted.

So this is my declaration before God and man. In the midst of the tears and pain, I will rejoice

 in my God knowing that He alone can judge my heart. He loves me deeply. Though the world 

despise and reject me, my God does not. I may be persecuted but never abandoned, because He

will never leave me or forsake me. I surrender my present and my future to the one who holds me

 in the palm of his hand. I will get back up. And once these wounds have healed I will move on to

 the next thing God calls me to and I will continue to serve in obedience, not letting the battle 

dissuade me. For I am more than a Conqueror in Christ.

Standing at the Precipice

In a childlike fantasy, I  imagined that life would be a blissful adventure filled with serene moments like those you feel when starring out a glassy lake, nestled in front of breathtaking mountains.

As I watched the last of the beautiful wildflowers be swept up under our lawnmower in our backyard, I was quickly brought back to reality.  The world we live in is filled with harsh realities. Death, destruction, and pain are always only a breath away. The optimist in me would like to sugar coat that reality with reminders that soft fuzzy kittens do exist and the sunrise on a crisp spring morning can take my breath away. However, that does not negate the truth that pain is a very real part of our lives.

I have not lived an easy life. In fact, many have said to me that they don't know how I survived all the pain that was allotted me.  I used to the think that if I was somehow a good enough child, I would not be beaten. If I were a good enough wife I would not be abused. I thought that if I was a good enough Christian then God would ensure that evil people would never touch me.

I heard people teach this philosophy clinging to only a part of the bible they'd read and not taking the whole book into consideration. Then I would read about Joseph or Job and see the pain and anguish they went through, as righteous men.

Naturally, I wish life was peaceful and easy. However, even today I stand at the precipice of uncertainty. I do not know what the future holds. I do not know how I will get past the trauma and hurt that has been ravaging my heart in recent weeks.  I do not know what God has planned for my future.  But this is the one thing I can stand on,  I know who holds my future. I have laid it down at the feet of Jesus and asked him to be a comforter, my healer, and my provider.  I know that He is sovereign over every part of my life.  I don't believe He is preoccupied with my comfort, rather, He is determined to shape my heart through the pain.

So, as the lashes of this sinful world take a tole on my flesh, I stand humbly before a sovereign God and declare it is well with my soul. I will trust in my maker knowing that he has an eternal plan for me. I am loved, I am chosen and I am His daughter that he looks down upon with loving kindness.

Psalm 103:15-19 As for man, his days are like grass; As a flower of the field, so he flourishes. 16 When the wind has passed over it, it is no more; And its place acknowledges it no longer. 17 But the lovingkindness of the LORD is from everlasting to everlasting on those who fear Him, And His righteousness to children’s children, 18 To those who keep His covenant, And who remember His precepts to do them. 19 The LORD has established His throne in the heavens, And His sovereignty rules over all. (emphasis mine)