How do you reconcile with an unrepentant abuser.

Since the day I was born I have been despised and rejected.  It started within a moment of me being born a girl, or many it started while I was in the womb. I do not know.

This rejection translated into being sent away, being abused in every possible way and being treated as a worthless person rather than a daughter.  I spent my childhood trying to be enough to earn love and approval. I went to great lengths to accomplish this but in the end, I was never wanted or received.

In my early thirties, I was told that my mother changed her heart and wanted me. I was told she regretted the way she and my father had treated me my whole life and that they finally wanted a daughter.

I was so elated. It was everything I dreamed of my entire life.  I imagined being held by my mother and loved for the first time ever. I imagined sitting with her and sharing my heart and telling her all about her grandkids.  So I sent her a letter telling her how elated I was to hear that she wanted me as her daughter. I told her that all the past is forgiven, I just wanted to be her daughter.  I told her what my young family was up to and how my husband and I were attending freedom sessions at church.

I waited day after day for an answer to my letter. I checked for that letter for six weeks. Then on my 32nd birthday, It arrived.  It was a four-page typed letter, single space.  In it she told me how ashamed she was of me. She told me that all the sexual abuse I experienced as a child was in my head. That I would wake up as a toddler having imagined the trauma and then think its real.  She tried to convince me I was mentally ill.  She then went on to tell me that by going to Freedom sessions and getting counseling with my husband, I was dishonoring her.  She told me that the bible says that if you dishonor your mother or father you should be put to death.  She assured me that I deserved to die, rather than have the love of a mother. She gave me a choice. I could have a family but only if I never spoke of the abuse in our home to anyone ever again, meaning I was not to get any further counseling. Then, maybe she would let me in.

It was such a cruel letter.  She blamed, and shamed, condemned and devastated me. I read the letter and crumbled. Suddenly I believed that if my own mother thought I should die and wasn't worth loving or having a life, then I should die.  I became severely suicidal.

My mother never spoke to me after that day in 2004. She never apologized or asked for forgiveness. She never showed me her love, ever. Others don't understand why I am not a part of the family. I have decided that repentance is necessary for reconciliation.  Without repentance there can be forgiveness, there can be compassion, there can be healing, but there can not be reconciliation because to reconcile means to come together and there is no together when ongoing abuse sets a wedge between you.

As years go by, I grieve the loss of a dream. The dream of being loved by a mother. In the meantime all I can do is forgive, love, and choose to be a loving forgiving mother myself.

Overwhelmed

There is a phrase that is tossed about that says "God will never give you more than you can handle." It is twisting of another verse that talks about not being tempted beyond what we can resist.

The truth is life is often more than we can handle. My own human state of imperfection before God is more than I can handle. That is why I need Jesus. I simply can't measure up. But what about when the hardships of life are more than we can handle. If you know me very well you know that I don't sugar coat these subjects. I am not afraid to admit that by the time I was seven years old I was a suicidal child because my life as a battered and abused child was more than I could bear. It was more than any little girl should have to bear. So the question remains, what do we do when life is more than we can bear. As a small child, when the assault on my body, mind, and soul became more than I could cope with I would cry out to God on my bed and run into his arms. I knew this world was not a safe place. Sin was rampant and I was its victim. But I also learned at a young age that despite the choices others made God didn't abandon me. He was there weeping alongside me. I used to wonder why God didn't stop bad people from doing bad things. But I have since learned that God does not abuse power as man does. In order to stop all the bad, he'd have to make us into brain-dead robots controlled by his command. He gave us free will and we can use it for good or harm. So when other's choices cost us deeply, causes us to lose our hope, lose sight of a future, lose sight of joy, then what? In all my years I have only found one solution. That solution is to surrender all my expectations of how things should go and fully fall into the loving arms of my God. That is where I am today. The situation before me is overwhelming and disheartening at best. I have lost so much and In my limited vision I cannot see hope on the horizon just yet but I am trusting. I am leaning, I am surrendering my way, my solution, my idea of justice and falling deep into the loving arms of the ONE who has never failed me. the one who has never abused me, the one who will eternally love me. I choose to trust God with the impossible.

Trust

Trust, what is trust really.  Is it a guarantee, a contract, a feeling?  When people have betrayed you a thousand times over, then the idea of trust becomes more vague. Trust becomes like the wind, you feel it at times but when it disappears you are left with a deadness in its place.

Some people should never be trusted.  I have learned through painful events, not trust. If  I base my future on my broken childhood I would never trust again.  My parents broke my trust by harming me and not protecting me from life-changing harm. The adults in my life stole my innocence for their own selfish satisfaction. So I choose to never trust those individuals again.

But can I trust someone new.  After an abusive marriage, I chose to trust another man and that was a wise choice. But I didn't just trust for the sake of trusting.  I trusted he would be faithful because I saw him being faithful with his sick cats, caring for them when others would have put them down. I saw him being faithful with his responsibilities and with his lifestyle.  I saw evidence that he was in fact trustworthy.

I am trying to grapple with a deep betrayal that has caused life-changing damage. My trust has been so shattered that I became afraid to trust anyone at all. I have called into question whether my closest friends are even trustworthy.

Yet in the midst of pain and heartache, I am going to choose to trust God. I may lose everything but I will never lose his love.  Others may destroy my life, my career, my reputation and my future but they can not separate me from God's love. I can trust Him even when my world is crumbling at my feet. i can trust that he will be with me and help me through this painful season. I can trust that he will restore the parts of my heart that are shattered and use this pain for His glory.  I can trust that he will provide. I will be ok eventually.

Who I am

I stand at a crossroads in life, knowing that the future I imagined is no longer there for me.  My dreams have been shattered. The course of my life is about to take off in a new direction. But what direction do I go? I  don't know where to begin, how to start over or where I am supposed to be.

Like each human in this universe, I have a unique grouping of skills and giftings that could be put to use to benefit others, but I need to find the others who are meant to be in my life.

My sweet husband is walking this journey with me and assuring me that all the pieces of my broken life will fall into place when they are meant to. It's hard to believe. It's hard to let go of what was. It's hard to walk into the world of the unknown and figure out once again who I am.

A big part of who I have been had been based on what I do for a living, but now that season has come to a close. I loved being that person, but I in that role I was perpetually mistreated by others. I am stepping away to preserve what little bit of self is left inside of me, and to live a life with boundaries that say no to being trampled and destroyed.

I don't know where to go, I feel lost and mostly alone.  I know I have some good friends and a loving family. I have a God who loves me more than I can conceive. Yet I don't know where our finances will come from. I don't know how we will manage.  I don't know what I will be doing with the rest of my life.  I only know that I am here, now in this in-between place waiting for revelation.

Love Them

We all like to love, when others love us. It feels good and fills us with a sense of value and security. But how do we respond to hurt gnaws at our heart. When the pain of rejection is likened to drowning in icy cold waters, you feel so weak that you are unable to will your lungs to breathe, let alone love.

When your heart is so shattered that you wonder how you will ever survive the waves of grief that buckle your knees and cause you to fall on your face in sorrowful sobs. How then do you love the person who caused your pain?

In the midst of overwhelming pain Jesus spoke into my darkest hour and gently whispered these words. "Love them".

In and of myself, I couldn't even love myself let alone those who had hurt me so deeply. Yet I knew that Jesus had forgiven me so I needed to find a way to not only forgive but love those who hated me, bless those who curse me and pray for those who crushed me.

On my knees, with tears burning down my face once again, I surrendered. I asked God how I could love. In my heart of hearts I knew the answer was simple. As they slandered me I would honor them. As they stole from me I would give freely in return. As they shattered my heart I would pray that God would restore their hidden brokeness. As they rejected me I would I would love them all the more for the incredible gift they had unknowingly  given me. They gave me the previous opportunity to experience what God experiences continually, the ability to love a lost and broken world knowing you may not ever be loved in return.

Stand on the battle lines, dont cower in fear.

I stand in awe of God's patience and endurance with us.
He calls us sheep and I fit the description perfectly, I am often as thick as a sheep, stubborn and I need a shepherd who sometimes breaks my legs just to teach me dependence and trust.

My life has been filled with all sorts of trauma and it has most definitely taken a toll but God didn't want it just to take a toll. He wanted to make me into a warrior of truth. He never wanted me to be a mess of brokenness.
A few months ago I entered a new season of my life. It came with great pain and sorrow. I experienced emotional trauma once again and It crushed me. I saw my life falling apart at the hands of another and I felt powerless to even defend myself let alone cope so I retreated into despair.

God has started working on my heart six weeks before the heartache hit. He began showing me how deep his love it is for me.
I know as a believer that I am loved. its a fact, but coming from a childhood of severe abuse and rejection, into a marriage that ended in death threats left me feeling unlovable and worthless. Its always been near impossible for me to imagine anyone truly loving me let along the God of the universe.

God, through a series of little miraculous events, broke through my heart in April. The lies of the enemy were broken off of me so that I could really feel and accept God's love. He did this in preparation for the next storm that was only weeks away. He knew it was one that would take me to my breaking point. He knew that if he didn't show me his love I probably wouldn't have made it through this storm at all, but here I am, walking it out.

I am not strong. Some people have thought that I am but I am not. I am nothing in and of myself. I depend on God daily for everything knowing that in and of myself I am just a broken girl who has a long ways to go.

But God wanted even this season of heartache to become something of good and healing. The pain is still there, the rejection and the hurt are still there but In the midst of the heartache he is doing a new thing in me. He is breaking off beliefs that I have carried for a lifetime.

This week he taught me that a warrior does not sit still and get beaten, they listen for the Generals orders and know when to retreat and when to fight.

I imagine myself curled up in a ball on the battlefield with my hands protecting my head but that is not what God wants. You see I am not in this battle alone. I am a woman of God. I lay down my own agenda daily and walk in daily repentance before God. I seek God with my whole heart and am His Daughter and his warrior.

Today, it is as if he has taken my hand and lifted me from the scared position on the front lines and told me, " Stand child, you are not alone. My warriors surround you and I will fight for you and with you. Stand on truth. Stand on my word and you will not be defeated."

All my life I have allowed people to say who I am. The enemy would like to keep that going and make declarations over me that are no true. Satan is the father of lies but My God defeats those lies.

What is true is that I am a child of God. I am so very loved more than my heart can fathom. I am enraptured by that love. It transforms me and as it penetrates deeply into my core it shakes off shackles. I am a woman of integrity with a heart to serve. He has made me a woman of many gifts that he wants to use for his Glory. Even though the enemy has done everything he can to ensure that I am pulled away from
God's purposes for me, he will not succeed overall because God is so much bigger than all the enemy's schemes. He will place me where he wants me to serve and I will do so faithfully, as I have over the years.

Whatever the future holds, I will not fear because My God is faithful. He will hold me in the storm and heals my brokenness. He will be my strength when I have none. He is my fortress and my strength. He sends his angels to surround me. Only last week someone saw angels, taller than phone poles standing guard over me, in front of a battle line of the enemy who had orders to destroy me. God won't let me be destroyed.

I STAND today, put on the full armor of God. I listen to the voice of my General. I may have battle wounds that still bleed and hurt but I am not destroyed. I will do what my General orders and I will survive this battle and many more to come.
"I am not longer a slave to fear, I AM A CHILD of God"

My Refuge

I praise the Lord, Yahweh for He is my refuge, my very present help in times of trouble. 

I am but a breath passing by, a handful of dust that will one day return to dust, yet he looks down upon me with his everlasting love and restores my soul.

My enemies surround me. They speak vicious lies about me and condemn me. They conspire to devour me and destroy all that you have called me to do. 

I weep before you O Lord and you hear my cries.  My heart has been shattered beneath the weight of the words spoken against me, but you O Lord declare my worth. You declare my righteousness, which is yours alone.

Though I stumble and lose hope and my faith has faltered, you lift me up from the darkest places and you set my feet upon a rock. The leviathan rages about beneath me but cannot reach me. You have set my feet on high places. And as I wither and faint you carry me.

Satan has sent his legions against me. They march toward me and encamp around me. Their bloodthirsty lust is held at bay. You oh Lord cover me in the shelter of your wings.  They cannot come near me. They are silenced.  You place a dome of your wings over me, protecting me so that no evil can harm me.

You hear my tears and listen to my heart. You lift my spirit and embrace me as a father would, his beloved child.  I am yours wholly, surrendered and devoted. 

I bless those who curse me, I choose to love those who rage against me. I lift up those who have been deceived and praise you Oh Lord, Yahweh my redeemer, my God, the lifter of my head. 

Yahweh is God alone. Blessed be your name. 

Isaiah 54:17  No weapon formed against you shall prosper, And every tongue which rises against you in judgment You shall condemn. This is the heritage of the servants of the Lord, And their righteousness is from Me,” Says the Lord.

Safety of Abiding in the Presence of God Psalm 91

He who dwells in the secret place of the Most High
Shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty.
2 I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress;
My God, in Him I will trust.”

3 Surely He shall deliver you from the snare of the [a]fowler
And from the perilous pestilence.
4 He shall cover you with His feathers,
And under His wings you shall take refuge;
His truth shall be your shield and [b]buckler.
5 You shall not be afraid of the terror by night,
Nor of the arrow that flies by day,
6 Nor of the pestilence that walks in darkness,
Nor of the destruction that lays waste at noonday.

7 A thousand may fall at your side,
And ten thousand at your right hand;
But it shall not come near you.
8 Only with your eyes shall you look,
And see the reward of the wicked.

9 Because you have made the Lord, who is my refuge,
Even the Most High, your dwelling place,
10 No evil shall befall you,
Nor shall any plague come near your dwelling;
11 For He shall give His angels charge over you,
To keep you in all your ways.
12 In their hands they shall [c]bear you up,
Lest you [d]dash your foot against a stone.
13 You shall tread upon the lion and the cobra,
The young lion and the serpent you shall trample underfoot.

14 “Because he has set his love upon Me, therefore I will deliver him;
I will [e]set him on high, because he has known My name.
15 He shall call upon Me, and I will answer him;
I will be with him in trouble;
I will deliver him and honor him.
16 With [f]long life I will satisfy him,
And show him My salvation.”

Tears from a battered heart

Echoing in the deepest, parts of my heart I hear their words as they cut and slice at my very person, stripping off chunks of flesh as they go.  I try to cling to the truth of who I am, yet their words strangle me like a cord around my neck. I try to close my eyes but with my eyes closed I see the cold looks in their eye as they berate me again and again, causing me to wonder if I am really of value at all, causing me to second guess everything I think, I believe I am.

Emotional abuse and character assassination work hand in hand like a gun and bullet bringing untold destruction. The trauma I've lived has left my world like a dark barren wasteland where there was once life, and joy and laughter.

This cavern of despair is so deep and far and wide that I can not climb out on my own.  I pray for a lifeline. I pray that those who have raped my heart, again and again, will be so deeply convicted that they won't be able to sleep until they have repented.

I pray that healing will come, that the sky will one day be blue again, and that I will find hope once more. That the shattered ruins of my life will count for something.

 I know that despite the incredible pain I feel I am not alone. I have a loving heavenly father. I know he weeps alongside me. I have a loving husband, who mourns with me and prays that my shattered heart will heal.

Psalm 56:8  (NLT)

You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.

Wings of Justice

The rubble of a fallen world crashed around me, crushing my heart. My lungs feel strangled at each weary breath as I cling to the faint hope that the wings of justice will still prevail. 

The tyranny rages about me in its familiar way, destroying truth, gnashing at those who are innocent and tearing apart anything that was once sacred. The stench of death keep wafting eerily past my nose but is washed away by the endless flow of tears that burn down my face. 

I cry out to God in utter brokenness, pleading that those who follow orders of the enemy and oppress the righteous will have their eyes opened. I pray they will realize the cost of their oppression. I pray that they will repent and turn their malicious glare away. 

In my heart, I know that with every breath I must forgive so that I do not become the bitterness that has enveloped my enemies. I silently plead for God to give me the strength to forgive, yet in my heart of hearts I also cry out for justice.  

Proverbs 21:15. When justice is done, it is a joy to the righteous but terror to evildoers. 

King David prayed this, " Do not let those gloat over me who are my enemies without cause; do not let those who hate me without reason maliciously wink the eye. They do not speak peaceably but devise false accusations against those who live quietly in the land. They sneer at me and say, “Aha! Aha! With our own eyes, we have seen it.” Lord, you have seen this; do not be silent.      Do not be far from me, Lord. Awake, and rise to my defense!  Contend for me, my God and Lord.  Vindicate me in your righteousness, Lord my God;  o not let them gloat over me.  Do not let them think, “Aha, just what we wanted!” or say, “We have swallowed him up.”  May all who gloat over my distress be put to shame and confusion; may all who exalt themselves over me be clothed with shame and disgrace. May those who delight in my vindication shout for joy and gladness; may they always say, “The Lord be exalted, who delights in the well-being of his servant.”

Even as my heart labors to beat, for all the pain that weighs down on it, I declare that my God is greater than all the forces of the enemy. I will praise him until the last breath leaves my broken body.  And even then I will praise him more. I know that the day of Justice nears for all. I may not see justice take place while I live and breathe on earth but I know that every evil will be brought to light. When I stand there amongst those who persecute me then I pray that I will have also forgiven, despite my desire for justice so that I can also be forgiven for all I have done in this life. 

In the meantime, I pray that the crushing weight of debris around me is lifted off my chest so that I can breathe again. I pray that my silent cries are heard and that I will see peace once more. 

The Winds of Change

Change, it is one of the tumultuous things in life that we fear as it forces our lives to wind down unknown paths. When looking at the possibility of change that we didn't anticipate our hearts race, our tears flow, and minds swirl with anxiety. It may feel like we are swept up into the heart of a tornado for a while and whisked off to who knows where. Yet, eventually, we land. We dust off our feet and slowly look around to gain our bearings and before long we realize, we survived. The dark swirling chasm of change can cause us to temporarily lose our bearings. We suddenly may not be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel or envision ever escaping the torment of the present moment, but a change like a tornado disappears just as quickly as it showed up. No one is caught in its grasp of uncertainty forever.

Change is also like the spring rains that bring the lush cascading flowers to my garden. It makes the dry dead grass of winter turn into soft carpets of sweet smelling grass. Change brings life, vitality, and newness that we could not have anticipated.

It may seem scary at the moment but chances are good....

The Power of Love

Looking into the eyes of the almost two-year-old me, I see such pain. She was rejected by her own parents, abused in ways that leave permanent marks on a little girl’s soul. I spent so many years wondering why this baby girl was considered a disposable worthless nothing, used to wipe up man’s shame.

I will never be able to understand the cruelty that led to such pain but there is one thing I have come to understand clearly. NO matter who defiled her, who beat her, who abandoned her, or what horrific things were done to this precious child, she was LOVED by God. He redeemed her from the brokenness and shame. He spends her lifetime, washing over her with grace and mercy, forgiving her for her many suicidal attempts, forgiving her for the times when the pain was so deeps she thought forgiveness would be impossible, forgiving her for agreeing with the enemy in thinking she deserved to be beaten, molested, rejected and destroyed.

He sings songs of grace over her and they ring through her heart like a healing melody that leaves the painful scars so far behind that at times they feel like a distant memory. He is the Healer, the Great I am. Many people think that a person can never be whole if they experienced more than a decade and a half of sexual assault, physical abuse, emotional and mental cruelty before marrying a man who nearly cost her and her children’s their own lives due to the horrific abuse and torment.

After 32 years in total of abuse, I didn't think I could live another day and never dreamed there would be a day when I could feel whole, feel loved, feel secure and be able to walk with others through their own healing journey. But....... I was wrong. God heals the parts that we think are unhealable. God restores in ways we never imagined. . If we are willing to let him into the parts of our brokenness that are the most painful, he will transform those ugly wounds into something beautiful.... I encourage you to try it... because His Love is powerful. I am redeemed. Thank you, God!

A Love That Shaped My Heart

It only takes one person to change a life. From my earliest memory, I recall the love of one person, which transformed my heart forever. I have beautiful memories of one person who loved me like no other.

My Nana was a constant in my life. As a toddler, I spent endless hours in her home. She would place me on the counter and teach me how to bake. She brought me into every part of her world. She taught the most important fundamentals of life, starting at an early age.

When I was four, she taught me about God, and that He loved me. I understood that love, only because my Nana loved me unconditionally. It didn't matter whether other’s loved me, she deemed me worthy of her endless love. Whether others felt I was second best, My Nana never held me up to a measuring stick. I was simply loved.

She was a servant at heart. She spent each day walking a long way to get to our house, to help my mother with housework, then she’d walk the very long walk home. She never complained, she simply served.

There was no task beneath her because she esteemed others above herself. When I became deathly ill with Salmonella poisoning, I was unconscious for three days in her care, and she nursed me, cared for me, and love me back to health. She was like a mother to me, in the most beautiful sense.

Not a day went by that she hasn't known what was going on in my life. She cared about every detail, tucking it into her heart and praying faithfully over it. She has been my personal intercessor. My prayer warrior and mentor.

In all my years, there is no other person who has made such a profound impact on my life. I thank God for my Nana, Jean D. Ronnlund

Walking through Fire

No one likes pain. It is hard to face. I would like life to go smoothly. A part of me 

wishes that, when we serve God with our whole heart, seeking to honor him with 

every part of our lives, that thing will go smoothly. That is not reality, the reality is

 that when we serve God, we will be attacked, maligned, falsely accused, discouraged

 and mistreated. I was praying about it this morning and this revelation came to me.

 God never promised that there would never be trouble. He never promised to remove the

fire!

When Isaiah prophesied over King Hezekiah he said “ When you pass through the

 waters,  I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; 

when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume

you” God knew Hezekiah would stand in the heat of the fire of Molech watching his 

brother be thrown into the fire, while his life was spared for God’s purposes. God never

 chose to spare him that traumatic experience, rather he let King Hezekiah feel the heat 

and experience the sheer terror of the threat on his life, not once but twice by fire!

So who am I to question God! I do not have that right! I surrendered that when I chose to

take up my cross and follow Him. If he chooses for me to walk through fire, I will 

walk with praise on my lips. We are assured that God searches the hearts and of men. 

He knows my heart! He will ensure that “all things work together for the Good of those 

who love the God and are called according to His purposes”. Therefore, as a woman, 

who loves God wholeheartedly, and a person whom He clearly called, I can trust that 

He will use the pain and mess the enemy brings, for his purposes.  

In Romans 33 it says “Who shall bring any charge against God’s elect when it is God who 

justifies that is, who puts us in right relation to Himself? Who shall come forward and accuse or

impeach those whom God has chosen? Will God who acquits us? Who is there to condemn

 us? Will Christ the Messiah who died or rather who was raised from the dead, who is at the 

right hand of God actually pleading as he intercedes for us? Who can separate us from Christ’s

 love? Shall suffering and affliction and tribulation? or Calamity and distress? Or persecution 

or hunger or destitution or peril or sword? Even as it is written, For Thy Sake we are put to

 death all day long; we are regarded and counted as sheep to the slaughter.

Yet amid all these things we are more than conquerors and gain a surpassing victory through 

Him who loved us. For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities

 nor things impending and threatening nor things to come, nor powers nor height nor depth nor

 anything else in all of creation will be able to separate us from the Love of God which is in 

Christ Jesus." Romans 8:33-39

I take a few things away from this. Firstly, I am already forgiven for any sin through Christ, 

so for all the ways I do fail, God himself gives me forgiveness in Him.  Secondly, AMID 

all these things, suggests that we do suffer many trials. I am not alone in having suffered 

many things. Thirdly, Christ provides victory through Himself and his incredible love for me!

Throughout the pages of scripture, I read of one person after the other who loved God 

wholeheartedly but was attacked, falsely accused, berated and trampled, but they all chose

 to walk through the pain, and focus on their goal, to honor God. Even though people accuse us,

 Paul in the book of Romans assures us that it's of no consequence because nothing can 

separate us from God!

The only judge that matters is the Lord. He knows my heart better than anyone. He sees my

 desire to not only love and serve him but to love others. Every day I yearn to show other’s 

love and encouragement in every way I can. But even so, I am persecuted.

So this is my declaration before God and man. In the midst of the tears and pain, I will rejoice

 in my God knowing that He alone can judge my heart. He loves me deeply. Though the world 

despise and reject me, my God does not. I may be persecuted but never abandoned, because He

will never leave me or forsake me. I surrender my present and my future to the one who holds me

 in the palm of his hand. I will get back up. And once these wounds have healed I will move on to

 the next thing God calls me to and I will continue to serve in obedience, not letting the battle 

dissuade me. For I am more than a Conqueror in Christ.

Standing at the Precipice

In a childlike fantasy, I  imagined that life would be a blissful adventure filled with serene moments like those you feel when starring out a glassy lake, nestled in front of breathtaking mountains.

As I watched the last of the beautiful wildflowers be swept up under our lawnmower in our backyard, I was quickly brought back to reality.  The world we live in is filled with harsh realities. Death, destruction, and pain are always only a breath away. The optimist in me would like to sugar coat that reality with reminders that soft fuzzy kittens do exist and the sunrise on a crisp spring morning can take my breath away. However, that does not negate the truth that pain is a very real part of our lives.

I have not lived an easy life. In fact, many have said to me that they don't know how I survived all the pain that was allotted me.  I used to the think that if I was somehow a good enough child, I would not be beaten. If I were a good enough wife I would not be abused. I thought that if I was a good enough Christian then God would ensure that evil people would never touch me.

I heard people teach this philosophy clinging to only a part of the bible they'd read and not taking the whole book into consideration. Then I would read about Joseph or Job and see the pain and anguish they went through, as righteous men.

Naturally, I wish life was peaceful and easy. However, even today I stand at the precipice of uncertainty. I do not know what the future holds. I do not know how I will get past the trauma and hurt that has been ravaging my heart in recent weeks.  I do not know what God has planned for my future.  But this is the one thing I can stand on,  I know who holds my future. I have laid it down at the feet of Jesus and asked him to be a comforter, my healer, and my provider.  I know that He is sovereign over every part of my life.  I don't believe He is preoccupied with my comfort, rather, He is determined to shape my heart through the pain.

So, as the lashes of this sinful world take a tole on my flesh, I stand humbly before a sovereign God and declare it is well with my soul. I will trust in my maker knowing that he has an eternal plan for me. I am loved, I am chosen and I am His daughter that he looks down upon with loving kindness.

Psalm 103:15-19 As for man, his days are like grass; As a flower of the field, so he flourishes. 16 When the wind has passed over it, it is no more; And its place acknowledges it no longer. 17 But the lovingkindness of the LORD is from everlasting to everlasting on those who fear Him, And His righteousness to children’s children, 18 To those who keep His covenant, And who remember His precepts to do them. 19 The LORD has established His throne in the heavens, And His sovereignty rules over all. (emphasis mine)

What Forgiveness is NOT

Tormented by the pain and anguish of wrongs that have been done, you may find yourself asking, "How can I forgive?"  It seems like an impossible task at times especially when the sins against one's heart can be so devastating and destructive.  I have learned that our misconceptions surrounding forgiveness have created a miserable cloud of despair and self-judgment for so many.  

Forgiveness is simply releasing a person from a debt against you. A debt that says, a person should PAY, and feel the same pain you feel. When we release this debt, we release bitterness that allows us to heal. But, the person who did the harm still has healing and growth that will need to take place in their own life and that is not ours to own. 

Forgiveness is NOT blocking out all the hurt and anger you feel and never feeling them again.  Forgiveness is not, disregarding the grief process. When wrongs are done against a person, our hearts need to go through a healing process where we face the hurt for what it is, we accept the reality of the damage done, we feel the pain, we get angry, we grieve our loss and then we let it go.  It's a process.  Forgiving does not meet forgoing the process of healing damaged emotions.  

Forgiveness is NOT the same things as trusting.  A pedophile molested numerous children. I can release him from my vengeance and choose not to hold bitterness against him. I can choose to release the debt of making him pay and feel the pain he caused me. But Forgiveness is NOT placing him back with children and believing won't harm again.  Trust is something earned, not given freely without regard to reality.  

Forgiveness is NOT excusing behavior and crime. Discipline is a crucial part of our learning process. God disciplines us because of love, not unforgiveness. We have a system of law in place to discipline those who commit crimes against others.  A rapist, a killer, a person who abuses another in any way should be disciplined to teach and correct their behavior.  Forgiving them for their crime does not mean that they don't have to go through the process of discipline.  Discipline is NOT vengeance, its purpose is to correct.  

Forgiveness is NOT going to free the person who hurt you. It will free you to move forward, grieve, heal and eventually love.  A forgiving parent will still discipline their child, still feel the pain of their child's behavior and still have boundaries for their child, but they will not be bitter or try to get payback.  A forgiving victim of abuse will still press charges for the abuser's sake, and for the sake of society to ensure that this kind of behavior is not tolerated. The victim will feel all they feel, and began working through the stages of acceptance of reality, acknowledging the pain for what it is, getting righteously angry at sin, grieving the incredible losses and then letting it slowly go and heal

Forgiveness is essential to healing. I don’t have to trust an untrustworthy person. I don’t have to tolerate harm or abuse. I don’t have to ignore crimes against humanity. I don't have to stifle feelings of hurt or anger and ignore them. I can do all that and FORGIVE completely.  In my forgiveness, I am set free.