I stand in awe of God's patience and endurance with us.
He calls us sheep and I fit the description perfectly, I am often as thick as a sheep, stubborn and I need a shepherd who sometimes breaks my legs just to teach me dependence and trust.
My life has been filled with all sorts of trauma and it has most definitely taken a toll but God didn't want it just to take a toll. He wanted to make me into a warrior of truth. He never wanted me to be a mess of brokenness.
A few months ago I entered a new season of my life. It came with great pain and sorrow. I experienced emotional trauma once again and It crushed me. I saw my life falling apart at the hands of another and I felt powerless to even defend myself let alone cope so I retreated into despair.
God has started working on my heart six weeks before the heartache hit. He began showing me how deep his love it is for me.
I know as a believer that I am loved. its a fact, but coming from a childhood of severe abuse and rejection, into a marriage that ended in death threats left me feeling unlovable and worthless. Its always been near impossible for me to imagine anyone truly loving me let along the God of the universe.
God, through a series of little miraculous events, broke through my heart in April. The lies of the enemy were broken off of me so that I could really feel and accept God's love. He did this in preparation for the next storm that was only weeks away. He knew it was one that would take me to my breaking point. He knew that if he didn't show me his love I probably wouldn't have made it through this storm at all, but here I am, walking it out.
I am not strong. Some people have thought that I am but I am not. I am nothing in and of myself. I depend on God daily for everything knowing that in and of myself I am just a broken girl who has a long ways to go.
But God wanted even this season of heartache to become something of good and healing. The pain is still there, the rejection and the hurt are still there but In the midst of the heartache he is doing a new thing in me. He is breaking off beliefs that I have carried for a lifetime.
This week he taught me that a warrior does not sit still and get beaten, they listen for the Generals orders and know when to retreat and when to fight.
I imagine myself curled up in a ball on the battlefield with my hands protecting my head but that is not what God wants. You see I am not in this battle alone. I am a woman of God. I lay down my own agenda daily and walk in daily repentance before God. I seek God with my whole heart and am His Daughter and his warrior.
Today, it is as if he has taken my hand and lifted me from the scared position on the front lines and told me, " Stand child, you are not alone. My warriors surround you and I will fight for you and with you. Stand on truth. Stand on my word and you will not be defeated."
All my life I have allowed people to say who I am. The enemy would like to keep that going and make declarations over me that are no true. Satan is the father of lies but My God defeats those lies.
What is true is that I am a child of God. I am so very loved more than my heart can fathom. I am enraptured by that love. It transforms me and as it penetrates deeply into my core it shakes off shackles. I am a woman of integrity with a heart to serve. He has made me a woman of many gifts that he wants to use for his Glory. Even though the enemy has done everything he can to ensure that I am pulled away from
God's purposes for me, he will not succeed overall because God is so much bigger than all the enemy's schemes. He will place me where he wants me to serve and I will do so faithfully, as I have over the years.
Whatever the future holds, I will not fear because My God is faithful. He will hold me in the storm and heals my brokenness. He will be my strength when I have none. He is my fortress and my strength. He sends his angels to surround me. Only last week someone saw angels, taller than phone poles standing guard over me, in front of a battle line of the enemy who had orders to destroy me. God won't let me be destroyed.
I STAND today, put on the full armor of God. I listen to the voice of my General. I may have battle wounds that still bleed and hurt but I am not destroyed. I will do what my General orders and I will survive this battle and many more to come.
"I am not longer a slave to fear, I AM A CHILD of God"
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