Worth forged through pain

Original painting by Kirsten Kirsty Emmanuel Dyck

The meaning behind this painting, 

Life's event can often affect how we see ourselves.  A few years back, I was working through some very painful childhood memories and those memories had caused me to feel utterly worthless. It was not because of my actions, but those of others.  

Then I had a strange dream that I honestly believe was heaven sent! In my dream I saw an awful infected wound on my face. I hid my face in shame so no one would see it.  Then that wound produced a shimmering purple pearl. It was so beautiful and it reflected the light  I thought, how could something so pretty come out of something so awful. Then in my dream I heard God speaking to me as if he stood next to me.  He said, You hide your face in shame, hiding the wounds of the world. But I have used them to form you into a pearl of great worth. 

I awoke from that dream and knew I needed to paint that pearl. I depicted it in the mud, to represent the ugliness that it came from. I painted a butterfly as a reminder that I am in process of being transformed by God.  My worth is not set by the things I have gone through, rather I am precious to God and he is making me into something beautiful that can reflect his light into the darkness.

After I awoke, I felt like one of the lesson's being impressed upon my heart, was to stop hiding my testimony in shame.  Hopefully my story helps someone else as they are being transformed into beauty.

I later looked up purple pearls and learned that they are rare and especially valuable.  I love how God uses all sorts of ways to bring about healing and restoration in our lives.

Marriage after terror

Marriage...

I have been married twice. In my first marraige, I experienced sheer terror, violence, infidelity, and awful abuse. It shattered me to the core. 

Several years later, I married Kevin.  I finally saw what God's design for marriage is. I've discovered what it is to be secure, knowing I am fully loved. I've learned to trust, discovering the beauty and safety of a faithful husband. I've learned what it is to be able to share the deepest parts of my heart and know that even my most vulnerable thoughts would be received with tenderness and respect. 

I'm still healing from the trauma of my first marriage but as the horrific memories surface I can know that I am now safe, fully loved, and secure. I am thankful that God's design for marriage is beautiful. I am thankful that he rescued me from the nightmare that was once my life. 

In another two weeks, we will be celebrating our thirteenth wedding anniversary. I couldn't be more enraptured by the love of my husband.  

I feel like I have lived through hell and now am seeing a glimpse of heaven. When I think of my husband's love for me I realize it is just a taste of the incredible love God has for me. As his bride, I am secure and lavished in his love. In that place of security is where he heals our hearts and transforms us into something beautiful.

The God who saves...

When you look at a person you can not see what they have survived, how God intervened or what their life would look like If he hadn't. 

A counsellor once told me that she couldn't understand how I wasn't an addict or needing a padded room after all I had survived. She came to understand that God met me in the darkness again and again, and carried me through.

Just as the Israelites were told to look back and recall God's faithfulness, I believe as a Christian I should do the same. 

The first miracle I recall was when I was four. Our van was sliding off the edge of a cliff after hitting black ice. Suddenly, we hit something unseen in thin air. It pushed our van back on the road. My mother got out and checked the side of the van to see if it left a dent. No dent was found. But we believe that God must have sent an angel to push the van back into the road and stop us from going over the edge. 

That memory shaped my faith in the years to come. While I experienced so much trauma in all the years that followed, God repeatedly revealed himself to me. 

The truth is, I wouldn't be here today reasonably sane and competent if God hadn't been so faithful. 

I still have had to suffer many years of abuse because we live in a fallen world,  but I didn't walk a moment alone. God saw and has been faithful to restore me. Moreover, nothing is wasted. He helped me overcome, and in turn I've been given the precious opportunity to speak life and hope into the lives of countless other survivors.

Skewed Perceptions

Skewed perceptions...

I've been told that your perception is your reality. When in fact perception is often created by personal beliefs regarding ourselves and others. Those beliefs are often formed during childhood and shaped by life events. 

A counsellor once told me that deep wounds or traumas can cause us to have perceptions that aren't completely accurate. It is as if we are looking through coloured or warped lenses that distort what we see. 

I've learned that my perception can often be wrong. I don't see myself the way others do. Despite knowing in my head that God loves me, I still perceive myself as worthless. It is as if that message is written in my cells, and echoed in every childhood memory.  I know it's a faulty perception. I often perceive that others might see me that way too, and often subconsciously  will interpret the world through that lens. 

Did you know that when a loving mother holds her newborn baby, the mother's brain lights up, and then within seconds, the baby's brain responds in kind? This was shown through MRI scans. From that first bonding moment, a child receives neural feedback that tells their developing mind that they are loved, wanted, secure, and of value. 

But what happens when a mother rejects her baby at birth? If that child never experiences affection, safety, affirmation, or love, skewed perceptions become embedded deep in the subconscious mind; perceptions such as; 

"I'm unloveable", "I need to perform well to be worthy of love", etc. 

People who were rejected by one or both parents at birth and throughout early childhood struggle their whole life to change their perceptions. If you are like me, and experienced rejection from birth, all is not lost. 

It just means we have to continually challenge the lies, that say we are not enough, not worth loving etc. 

I am determined to speak scripture to my heart. When my thoughts conflict with what Scripture says,  I am trying to discipline myself to answer with biblical truths such as: " I am a child of the Most High God. I am created for a purpose, He loves me with an everlasting love." Etc...

It takes intentionality to examine my perceptions, and try to identify wrong thinking.   It's not easy, it's not an instant fix.  It's a journey that often requires external reinforcement. 

A special person in my life used to always say, "You are the highly loved daughter of the Most High God." Now that phrase often replays in my mind when im struggling with wrong perceptions. Another person always reminded me that I am a resilient overcomes.. When I feel defeated, her words replay in my mind and give me renewed determination to press on.

I am so thankful for those who shatter my false perceptions when they surface. I need those people to speak truths into my heart especially when I am blinded by hurts. 

Is there a truth you speak over yourself, to change your false perceptions?  Who speaks truths into your life? 

Here is the truth from scripture:

“For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.” – Ephesians 2:10

We are God who says we are, so if you struggle with embedded perceptions, then I challenge you to join me in asking God to shatter those lies and replace each one with his truths.

I believe he can and will....

#shatteredheartsrenewedinchrist

Power in His Name

Power in His Name....

When I was nine years old, I got severe burns on both hands from a blow torch. I lay on my bed bawling in agony. Then I called out the name of Jesus. The pain instantly stopped. 

I went to the ER, and was treated for 2nd-degree burns. My hands were wrapped to protect the giant blisters that covered the surface of my fingers and palms. But the pain was still gone from the moment cried out to Jesus.

Jesus had intervened because he is faithful, and he didn't stop there. Soon after, I saw some monkey bars in a park.  Ran to them with my bandaged hands and began to go across them. I was with family and church friends. They all gaped in shock and horror, after knowing of the giant blisters. 

They removed the bandages that I wore like gloves to reveal perfectly healed hands. It was "impossible"? Yes. It was Jesus who answered the prayer of 9yr old me. Why? Because he is good, and his mercy endures forever. 

He knows that I fail daily. Yet he answers prayers, daily.  I'm not a very religious person, but I believe in Jesus, as the Son of God, sent to pay the price for all my sin so that I can enter heaven one day with a heart white as snow. 

I asked Jesus to be my saviour when I was four. It was a simple child's prayer. He answered my little prayer and has been faithful ever since, to walk with me through every one of life storms, because that is who Jesus is to me.

The God who hears our silent plee...

I held my infant son in my arms. I cried out to God. "You know this is his last diaper, Help me!" I plead. 

There wasn't a cent in the bank. My spouse at the time, had stopped working four months prior. I was "on bedrest" in a high-risk pregnancy, and unable to work. We were poor.

I was isolated, so no-one but God knew that I had placed the very last diaper on my son. 

I argued with God, "you know he will wake up soaked, from head to toe. What do I do? Please help me".

The next morning, I opened our basemement suite door (which was a very private entrance not visible from the street) There outside my door I was shocked to find a large box wrapped in black garbage bags. I was baffled. I carried it inside and opened it up. 

I gasped in surprise as as I saw the craziest thing. It was a giant unmarked box full of diapers. But these weren't huggies or pampers... They had no labels, no branding. They were pure white unbranded loose diapers, as if they were taken off the factory line before they could be branded. 

No one I knew would have been able to get these. And no one but God knew my silent prayer and plee. Yet here, was the answer! 

I tried to sleuth out the source of the diapers but no one knew, or even understood how a person could get their hands on these miraculous diapers that were a perfect fit!!!!

I was so filled with joy as I woke up my sweet son and got him ready for the day. Jesus loves you, I exclaimed as he smiled up at me with those sparkly brown eyes, and chubby cheeks. 

" Jesus loves you and he heard my prayer and provided miraculously."

Who is this Jesus? He is the one who heard my silent pleas and provided exactly what I needed most inexplicable way. He is merciful. He moves hearts to do his will. He speaks things into being. He is a good provider. He loves children. 

He may be the God of the universe, but he took time to hear My cries and answer.

Inner healing

Inner healing IS so crucial?

 Despite the million messages on Facebook that tell you to just "forget about the past" as if it's possible, to ignore and move on. The truth is we need to HEAL the past. It's not just a good endeavour, it's crucial. 

Why? Here are two reasons. 

Our relationship with God is tied to our trauma, and our relationship with others is deeply affected by trauma. Unhealed trauma does such extreme damage to our relationship with God and our relationships with others that it can stop us from living out the entire purpose we were created for. 

I was raised to view God as a merciless tyrant who hated me. My views were based on the child abuse I had suffered. The abuse made me feel utterly worthless. I felt so worthless in fact that my first suicide plan was made at age seven!

I thought God was angry because I figured he was like my parents. As their rage and cruelty saturated my heart, it warped my view of God. 

The abuse I survived also damaged my ability to have healthy interpersonal relationships. When those who are supposed to protect you from birth violate you, and neglect and reject you, it destroys the ability to trust anyone, including God. 

Without the love and affection of a parent, a child develops an insatiable need to prove themselves and earn love. This comes out in hyper submission, such as in my first marriage. "The doormat" mentality.  It also manifests as a lack of boundaries and codependency. 

Left unhealed, these traits do a few things. They set a person up to be re-victimized, such as I was in my first marriage. The unhealed trauma steals so much out of our life. We were created to love others, and serve (not out of compulsion) but serve in such a way that we exemplify Christ's love and how he humbled himself to serve us. 

If we remain unhealed the focus is on getting love, getting acceptance rather than giving love to others as ambassadors of Christ. Moreover, if we don't do the work to heal our perspectives regarding God, then we can't exemplify him. We can't love God for who he is, because our perspective is skewed whether we realize it or not.

So, take the time to do the hard work. Each trauma imprinted perspectives about ourselves, others and God. We need to realign those to the truth. 

Healing is a journey. It takes time, energy, intentionality and investment. It only happens when we invite Jesus into those deep dark painful places in our souls, into those memories that are too painful to speak about out loud. 

As each memory surfaces, or is triggered. It is an opportunity to invite Jesus to open our eyes to the truth in that situation. 

Let the healing begin, healing is sacred work. It is spiritual renewal. 

" He heals the broken hearted and binds up their wounds. Psalm 147:3

You Are NOT your Pain!!!....

You Are NOT your Pain!!!....

I heard those words and tears involuntarily began washing down my face. I realized then and there that I'm probably not the only person who needed to hear that today. 

It's truth, and if you have experienced pain, you know that it can sometimes attach so deeply that it feels like it is a part of you. 

The pain attached to some traumas is so severe, that it is triggered in you waking hours, and causes you to weep in your nightmares. 

If you've known that kind of pain, then you know how it can feel as if it's You, rather than something you simply experienced. 

You are not your pain! 

If you are not your pain then  what or who are you? 

You were created with a purpose. You are loved with an everlasting love. You are a person who is precious, and the pain you have endured can never diminish that.

understanding domestic violence

Domestic violence doesn't start out violent! 

First you are wooed in with the appearance of love, gifts, and compliments. 

Then come the tension building phase, blame shifting, gaslighting, projection and manipulation. 

If you try to have a voice, try to defend yourself, try to push away, then comes the attack phase. 

Early on in this cycle, the attack phase may just be verbal, it may just be psychological cruelty. 

After the attack phase comes phase one again. He sets the trap again. He manipulates her into trusting again, making promises, saying what she so desperately yearns to hear. Then, Tension building then attack. It's a never ending cycle. 

 The first cycle may happen over months, but as time fies by the cycle speeds up. Until an entire cycle happens within an hour. 

As the cycle speeds up so does the intensity of the tension and attack phases. 

I used to believe physical violence was just being hit. I convinced myself that if I wasn't hit then I wasn't abused. But the truth is Domestic violence has many faces. 

In my experience, domestic also includes things like, being chased, doors being beaten down, dragged, having things thrown at me, being smothered suffocated, being held hostage, restrained, and threatened,  blows to the wall beside my face, having my head smashed into a corner. Until it escalated to sexual violence. ,