What Forgiveness is NOT

Tormented by the pain and anguish of wrongs that have been done, you may find yourself asking, "How can I forgive?"  It seems like an impossible task at times especially when the sins against one's heart can be so devastating and destructive.  I have learned that our misconceptions surrounding forgiveness have created a miserable cloud of despair and self-judgment for so many.  

Forgiveness is simply releasing a person from a debt against you. A debt that says, a person should PAY, and feel the same pain you feel. When we release this debt, we release bitterness that allows us to heal. But, the person who did the harm still has healing and growth that will need to take place in their own life and that is not ours to own. 

Forgiveness is NOT blocking out all the hurt and anger you feel and never feeling them again.  Forgiveness is not, disregarding the grief process. When wrongs are done against a person, our hearts need to go through a healing process where we face the hurt for what it is, we accept the reality of the damage done, we feel the pain, we get angry, we grieve our loss and then we let it go.  It's a process.  Forgiving does not meet forgoing the process of healing damaged emotions.  

Forgiveness is NOT the same things as trusting.  A pedophile molested numerous children. I can release him from my vengeance and choose not to hold bitterness against him. I can choose to release the debt of making him pay and feel the pain he caused me. But Forgiveness is NOT placing him back with children and believing won't harm again.  Trust is something earned, not given freely without regard to reality.  

Forgiveness is NOT excusing behavior and crime. Discipline is a crucial part of our learning process. God disciplines us because of love, not unforgiveness. We have a system of law in place to discipline those who commit crimes against others.  A rapist, a killer, a person who abuses another in any way should be disciplined to teach and correct their behavior.  Forgiving them for their crime does not mean that they don't have to go through the process of discipline.  Discipline is NOT vengeance, its purpose is to correct.  

Forgiveness is NOT going to free the person who hurt you. It will free you to move forward, grieve, heal and eventually love.  A forgiving parent will still discipline their child, still feel the pain of their child's behavior and still have boundaries for their child, but they will not be bitter or try to get payback.  A forgiving victim of abuse will still press charges for the abuser's sake, and for the sake of society to ensure that this kind of behavior is not tolerated. The victim will feel all they feel, and began working through the stages of acceptance of reality, acknowledging the pain for what it is, getting righteously angry at sin, grieving the incredible losses and then letting it slowly go and heal

Forgiveness is essential to healing. I don’t have to trust an untrustworthy person. I don’t have to tolerate harm or abuse. I don’t have to ignore crimes against humanity. I don't have to stifle feelings of hurt or anger and ignore them. I can do all that and FORGIVE completely.  In my forgiveness, I am set free.