Suffocated

I was pregnant with our fourth child but the abuse in our home was rapidly escalating. Then one day this happened...

Without warning Bill vehemently grabbed me from behind. His hands pressing firmly into my face covering my nose and mouth. Sheer terror and hysteria overwhelms me as his hands suffucate me. I can't breathe. At first, I am confused and  I don't understand why he's doing this. I think, what have I done?. I can't get air. I'm trying to gasp but nothing comes in. His hands hold so tight squeezing. I can taste his hands, they taste like dirt and gasoline.  I feel terror and confusion swirl in my head and nothing makes sense. It's like my eyes only see blotches.  My heart is exploding as I try to breathe. My head hurts like a bomb went off.  I can't escape. I realize at that moment, I am going to die

 I'm gasping, panicking. I'm clawing at my neck and chest as if it would help. 

I feel like I'm passing out. 

Suddenly He shoves me away as if disposing of me with repulsion and then he walks away. I collapsed on the hallway carpet gasping,  sobbing, confused, terrified, hysterical. 

 I curled up in a ball and rocked. I didn't understand what just happened. I just wanted to hide. I thought about crawling into the bottom of my closet to cry. 

Just then,  I remembered the kids downstairs. I panicked . He's headed down the stairs.

I shakily picked myself up off the floor.  I had to take care of the kids. I needed to keep them safe. I needed to make sure they stayed quiet and played outside. I wiped the tears off my face and put on a smile for the kids and headed downstairs. 

I lost the baby within my womb shortly after this horrible event. I held my tiny unborn baby. I named her Carissa Marie. This was around Mother's day 2004.