Misunderstood

I wonder if there was a time in my early years when I was ever understood. If so I don't remember it. I recall my parents regularly accusing me of things that were not my heart desire. 

Once I went to kindergarten without wearing any underwear under my very short dress because my mother told me I  would be beaten if I put on any clothing other than the dress she'd laid out.  She was so furious with me for embarrassing her by not wearing underwear. I was simply terrified of the beating and trying so hard to be obedient. but in her mind, I was a vindictive five-year-old, out to humiliate her. 

Being misunderstood meant that everything  I did was twisted with accusation and punished with cruelty. This same pattern continued in my marriage.  My husband would accuse me of things I never even fathomed.  While he was unfaithful, he'd accuse me of being unfaithful, projecting his shame on me.  But what hurt most was when I was seeking God and trying to grow and heal. He'd interpret my fervor for something else. He'd accuse me of thinking I'm so special to God when in fact I felt unloveable to God. He'd abuse me, even threaten my life because he found me praying or worshiping, or because he found out I'd shared the gospel with someone. 

I felt so misunderstood. This trigger of being misunderstood has bled into my adult life.  I fear being misunderstood and when I am, I fall apart. A year ago I left my job feeling so misunderstood. I had uncovered crime but my boss covered her tracks and kept me from telling what happened. She falsely accused me to divert attention away. I felt so misunderstood.  I withdrew into myself and stopped trusting anyone. I didn't even leave my house for many many months.

It has been hard for me to go to therapy weekly because I fear being misunderstood. I am pushing through that fear but it is still there. Slowly I am learning to push past the fear of being misunderstood.  But the truth is the trigger is hit easily. In life, we try to communicate one thing and yet others read a whole different thing. It makes me want to recoil and I'm trying not to yield to the trigger and do so. But In order to heal, I must be vulnerable and risk being misunderstood.