The Clock Struck Twelve

We all know the story of Cinderella. Abused and neglected yet on that one night she was given the chance to go to the ball dressed as a princess. Suddenly , the clock  struck 12 and she found herself in rags again. The coach turned into a pumpkin and the fantasy was over.

Midnight came tonight and a chapter of my life ended. In many ways I feel like Cinderella must have, having tasted good but unsure of whether her future would be filled with more pain or more miraculous happenings.

Tomorrow we pack what is left of our belongings into a small trailer and move away. Tonight marked the close of this chapter in my life. At the moment it feels like my world is crashing down. My son will sleep under our roof one last time in his room. But tomorrow there will no longer be a room for him to come home to. All my kids will be so far away. How will we celebrate Christmas? I won't even have room for a tree!

Will I loose all my fiends? I don't know... maybe. Maybe they won't be able to maintain a meaningful connection with me. Thier lives will fill up with other people and things. I might not be needed let alone wanted. The place I held in thier heart might be filled with others who can be there and better meet thier needs. No one can promise to stay my friend. It's not a fair expectation because I won't be able to be present in thier lives to meet the needs I once met. There are no guarantees.

People always quote Jeremiah 29:11. Where God told the nation of Israel that he had plans for a future and a hope. I hear people adopt it as if God spoke it for them. I can never do that. From the moment my cenception was realized I was rejected. I have been horrifically abused in every way. I have experienced so much pain as suffering in this life that I have a really hard time imagining anything else.

This life is not a fairytale. The chance of me riding off into the sunset tomorrow and living happily ever after is utterly unrealistic and profoundly unimaginable for me.

I want to trust that this new chapter will be filled with joy and purpose but my past experiences beg me to expect pain, rejection and abandonment. I ask God to prove me wrong if he will.

I've lost so much in the past year, my career, income, friends, relationships, a church, family members, my daughter, and I even lost myself. Now we are losing our home, our city, our friends, our belongings,  our church family, our dreams.... oh God my heart cant bear to loose more.

I may not trust... I may not have hope, but please God may I not loose more. May my friends hold me tight and not let go, may my children choose to keep me close at heart. May there be a future that is filled with joy.

The clock  struck twelve, I sit in my rags hoping for a better tomorrow while replaying the blissful moments I had this summer, wishing it wasn't over. Oh God help me to have faith, to cling to hope, to trust, to dare to dream of a good tomorrow.