Her family was cruel and tormented her. Before she was even old enough to attend school, She was being sexually assaulted by multiple family members. This nightmare continued until she left home.
As a little girl, they mutilated her insides, raping her in the worst ways, destroying the nerve endings inside her tiny body, causing permanent internal damage and triggering a medical condition that would leave her in agony every day for the rest of her life. Her cries were Ignored. Her screams were silenced with beatings.
She wanted desperately to earn love, so she remained the obedient daughter. She submitted dutifully serving like Cinderella, but there were no cute mice, just perpetual beatings and being denied food. She was stuck believing their lies and that she needed to be punished because she was somehow bad and utterly worthless.
Rather than protecting her, her parents encouraged and created a family atmosphere where she was to carry the shame for all their incestuous crimes. They even adopted one of her rapists, knowing full well what he was doing to her. They used her, beat her, tortured her and shamed her.
Her name changed from Eve-Marie to "Ugly". Her siblings abused her. She had no one to turn to.
She was tied up, she was locked up, and tortured. She was punished without cause. She thought this was normal. She thought she deserved it because she was so worthless.
After violent teen years filled with more sexual violence and rapes, she survived, barely, carrying even more shame and heartache and less will to live.
She met her first husband at 16, and married into abuse. She was submissive and sought to please God by being the most loving attentive wife she could be. It wasn't enough. He was a stalker, rapist, pedopile and wife beater.
She continued to be cruelly abused. The violence became life-threatening, even causing her to lose the babe in her womb. After he tried to kill their 7-year-old she scooped up her three traumatized kids and ran away, without a penny.
Her Pastor shamed her for running away, blaming her for her husbands violence, his adultery, and his violent rages. "Good wives don't leave" he said. She remained kind, submissive to the core trying to be good enough to earn God's love. But her pastor said. " Everyone says you are so sweet, so what, is it about your sweetness makes you so repulsive that he feels driven to do this." She lost all hope.
Her father, a pastor discovered that she was separated and planning to divorce. He claimed her, as his property, under Jewish law He was coming for her with taunts to perpetuate the nightmare she'd once left.
Meanwhile her husband was stalking her, broke in and raped her and threatened to kill her. In her utter despair, She cried out to Jesus, pleading for help. He alone knew her heart. He made a way. He planned her grand escape though series of prophetic words that he miraculously fulfilled. He helped her and the kids escape, and change their identities. He gave her His name Emmanuel and began teaching her what love looked like for the first time.
She remarriied, with the hope of healing, but her ex wouldn't relent pursuing her. Moreover Her childhood abusers cases had escalated with other victims surfacing. Court cases became her constant nightmare as her ex tried every possible legal tactic to force her out of hiding. While others were building a life she was fighting to keep hers, and escape the very real death threats. Instead of buying a house, she was paying legal fees and fighting to keep her kids from killing themselves out of fear that he'd murder them. It cost everything. After year's of legal nightmares, even the sight of a legal email correspondence would shake her to the core triggering so much trauma.
Finally, a page turned and a new season began. Slowly, she began to heal. But as one memory healed new flashbacks of horrors surfaced, shaking her to the core day and night.
She clung to Jesus, sometimes pleading that he would protect her from the very real temptation of ending it all to make the pain go away.
Now, sometime later. She is learning to accept love. She has spent every day pushing through horrific memories, flashbacks and nightmares. But she has consistently pressed into healing and pursuing wholeness.
She has slowly cut off toxic relationships with unrepentant criminal abusers who perpetuated harm against her. She has worked hard to establish boundaries, although it's a daily challenge to not submit out of fear of punishment or harm.
After surviving more than thirty consecutive years of violence and sexual assault she finally is safe, and focusing on healing.
She bears scars both on her body and in her heart that may take a lifetime to fully heal. But she is a strong, resilient survivor. A woman of profound faith and love for Jesus.
Her name is Kirsten.
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