Thinking back to the day my tiny four year old body was mutilated on the insides. Nothing is more horrific than that moment. Unlike other memories that caused awful emotional and physical pain, this one can't fully heal. Why? Because the damage done inside my body was permanent. It didn't just cause scars, it caused permanent nerve damage, damage that would stop me from ever experiencing the pleasures others do during intercourse.
Yet in the days, months years and decades that followed my body was used and violated over and over and over. I've read in some books, that sometimes women felt pleasure during rape and or sexual abuse despite the horror of it all. They then feel confusion, and guilt for that part of thier experience.
I only remember feeling shame, physical pain, repulsion, and discuss, for myself and what was done. I did not experience pleasure, even when raped as an adult.
So could it be that the worst part of being sexually abused and raped as a tiny child, was in fact a mercy?
Can torment be mercy? Can heartache, or terror be mercy?
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