This week it was en email. I found myself feeling misunderstood, panicked, defensive, inadequate, anxious and utterly insecure. It wasn't because someone actually said or did anything to evoke those responses. Rather, it was a trigger.
Something deep inside of me that I can't pinpoint yet was triggered. Past rejection, past misunderstanding, yet no matter how far in the past all those negative cognition came upon me like a storm, robbing my sleep, making me restless with obsessive thoughts and anxiety.
Cptsd can be like an internal ticking bomb, the only problem is that the detonator is hidden in the depths of our memories, often blocked out due to the pain associated with it.
The email trigger today made me feel like a teenager, fighting to be heard, understood and believed. So, I would be led to believe the trigger is routed in trauma from that time period. It's like a younger part of myself calling out for help.
I need to calm the younger me and remind her that it's 2022. I've got this. I'm not being rejected, misunderstood or unheard. I AM valued, safe and so there is no need to be afraid any longer.
I don't have anyone trying to harm me. I can rest, heal and breathe.
Triggers are a shadow of the past that deceives our minds into thinking we are still in harm's way, decades after the harm has past.
Thankfully as we acknowledge our past, face the pain and process it, we can heal and eventually eliminate those triggers once and for all.
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