Battling worthlessness

Barely a moment passes when  a deep sense of worthlessness doesn't affect me. The reality is I was not deemed worth keeping as a baby. According to my  mother, I was not worth loving, protecting,  defending, spending time with, investing in, providing for.. and the list goes on. She deemed me worthless. She abused me as a child then cursed me to die for getting counseling as an adult and disowned me because I chose counseling instead of abuse.

I don't know why the value my mother places on me has so much power. I've been  told to rewrite the story with a new belief.  The problem is that it feels like a lie to deem myself as anything but worthless because it is the identity I was given from day one.  I don't know how to tell a different story. 

I've been given a challenge.  The challenge is that one day when that lie has been erased from my  heart I will do something to commemorate the new story.  I don't know if that day will ever come. 

Today I was reminded that my late Nana deemed me valuable from the moment I was born. My husband deems me worthy of love. The worth my mother has placed on me is not the only story that has been written for me. 

I can't just adopt a new belief because I've been told to.  I need to choose to rewrite my story moment by moment.  I also need  God to write his truth in my heart. So I'm asking God  to show me his heart towards me. 

I have chosen to be kind to myself. I will not speak the cruel words of my mother over myself. Instead I am going to start speaking the kind of affirmations I long to hear from my mother. The adult me needs to speak as a parent to the little girl inside of me and remind her that she a kind,  sweet,  loving little girl who had a pure and  tender heart of gold.

I will fight against the lies, one breath at a time.